For the Best
Two of my cousins were in town last weekend. We had a great time—went out for dinner and drinks, went shoe shopping, watched movies, ate cake, drank wine, and stayed up late talking about life, family, old relationships and current loves. It was a quintessential girls weekend and much needed for all of us.
One of them has been seeing a guy for a few months and they’re at a rocky point b/c he “needs time to figure some things out”. She’s feeling heartbroken and insecure. It’s a bit of a complicated situation and I feel bad b/c she’s hurting, but at the same time I respect the guy for being honest with her and telling her upfront that he has some things he’s working through. All too often people hide what it is they’re really feeling b/c they’re selfish, or scared of hurting the other person, but I think more damage is done when people aren’t honest with each other or themselves and when they don’t communicate from the very beginning. I know she thinks he could be the one for her, but I also think that when we want something so bad we fail to see areas where we might not be compatible with someone b/c we’re too busy concentrating on the elements we are so so attracted to.
It’s especially hard early on in relationships b/c you don’t know a person well and usually hormones cloud our head and heart. I remember once my mom compared relationships to dancing. In the beginning, we’re all dressed up, full of energy, wearing our heels and showing off our best moves. But eventually you start to run low on energy, your feet hurt like hell and you get tired of trying to be perfect. Eventually you have to kick off those heels and just be comfortable, just be you. It’s the person you are without the heels and perfect moves, the person who dances just b/c you love the music and not because someone is watching and you want to show off, that shows who you really are. If you can still love someone for their good moves and bad, their heels or bare feet, their benefits and their faults, then you can really appreciate a person and love them for who they really are.
It’s hard when we think we’re in love to really listen to and appreciate advice that people give us. Maybe it’s b/c we only let ourselves hear what we want to hear, see what we want to see, or feel what we want to feel b/c that “in love” feeling is intoxicating and admitting the truth would just bring down our high. It’s also funny how much easer it is to give advice than take it, especially our own. I can’t tell you how easy it was to empathize with her and understand what she’s going through and to really feel like I had good, solid advice to give her. But I had to laugh about how when I said things out loud—things I’ve said to myself over and over again when I was in a similar situation—that it finally sunk in and made more sense and was more meaningful to me than when people were telling me the same things. I guess once you’ve had time to step out of a relationship or situation for awhile and process it without intense emotions clouding your judgment, you begin to see things more clearly. It doesn’t necessarily mean it hurts any less, but you are more able to learn from it and try to understand it.
I do feel bad for my cousin b/c I know she just wants to fall in love and start a life with someone. Right now her heart is breaking and she feels vulnerable and sad. The relationship hasn’t ended. She needs to be patient and as difficult as it is, give him the time he’s asking for. But as girls, we analyze. We obsess. We replay situations and conversations over and over and over and over again. We think about what we could do or have said differently. I tried to tell her that no matter what happens, things will work out for the best. They always do, even though the journey is sometimes painful and sometimes our ultimate destination isn’t the one we think we’re traveling toward. I always say things happen for a reason and things work out for the best and that we have to try to relax and give time, time.
She kept checking her phone, wanting to text him or to chat, thinking about him constantly. We’ve all been there and it sucks. But we tried to keep her as busy as possible to help keep her mind off it. I have to admit that it made me so glad that I don’t have to worry about dating anymore. Marriage isn’t always easy, but I’m sure when Pat Benatar sang “love is a battlefield” she was talking about dating.
Even though I’m a big believer in communication and letting others know how we feel, I do have to wonder why some of us continuously wear our hearts on our sleeves? They don’t always make the best accessories. Especially the broken ones.