Am I in Unconditional Love?
So here I am, back to blogging. I thought I’d be back sooner given in my last post I said my resolution was to blog more often. I guess technically I haven’t broken that resolution. I just got started a little late. The important thing is I’m back, right? I have the day off of work (Happy Birthday MLK!) and am sitting by myself at Panera with a hot chai, semi-listening to the jazz coming out of the speakers in the ceiling, getting lost in my thoughts. For the most part, I’m in ideal writing mode, but when I say I’m lost in my thoughts right now, I mean it literally. I’m lost in them and trying to make sense of them. It’s kind of funny that its moments when I’m not near my computer or don’t have a pen and paper to write with that I have such clarity, great ideas and revelations. And now here I am staring at my computer trying to sort through all that I’m thinking and feeling and make sense of it all. I won’t go in to detail other than to say there’s been a lot going on these past few weeks and life has been a little emotionally draining.
I will say I have been thinking a lot about love. I’m not just talking about romantic love, but love in every sense of the word, especially the love you have for yourself.
I had a conversation with someone whom I love deeply about some past and present situations and experiences, and the topic of self-loathing came up. He said that he suffered from a lot of self-loathing over the years. And it got me thinking about my own relationship with myself. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced true self-loathing. I mean sure I’ve had moments when I haven’t always liked myself, but for superficial reasons. I have regrets. I have things I wish I could change. I have desires in my heart that might never come to fruition. But I don’t hate myself for them.
This conversation made me ask myself a lot of questions, but one especially important one that I never thought about until recently—am I in unconditional love with myself? Do I love myself despite all the wrongs and rights in my life? Do I love myself despite looking in the mirror and wishing I was thinner? Do I love and accept myself from the inside out, despite the imperfections and the moments I’ve acted on pure selfishness?
I think we all have moments of self-hatred (hello, puberty?). But that’s part of being human. It’s part of how we grow. I think it’s okay to hate situations, experiences, maybe sometimes even other people, but not to hate ourselves. I think if we try to learn from our mistakes, go after what it is in life we REALLY want instead of settling, take chances, do what we can to keep our bodies healthy, love hard, work less, and say what we really think and feel, then those are things that can help us love ourselves despite ourselves.
While I’m busy making sense of all the stuff weighing on my heart and mind, I do feel good about what I’ve been doing to get back on track for my body. I still continue to exercise religiously but for awhile my eating habits went down hill and I have definitely noticed it on and off the scale. I was eating out a lot and eating more sweets than usual. I started the New Year with another resolution, something I called a 4S Rule-Sweets on Saturdays, Sundays and Special occasions only. Yah, that lasted about 8 days. But I’m back to cooking and I also started using My Fitness Pal to track all my food and exercise. I’m finding it a pretty good tool since it counts calories, carbs and fats, rather than points like on Weight Watchers. Plus it’s a free online tool, which is always a plus. I think counting my calories will work better for me and hoping I can stick to food journaling along with the blogging!
Have you ever questioned your love for yourself?
Do you judge others by higher or lower standards than you judge yourself?