Dear 18 Year Old Me

A life worth living is a life worth recording. ~My Mom

If only I knew myself then the way I know myself now. That was the thought that kept running through my head as I read my diary from freshman year in college. Hard to believe that was almost 15 years ago.  All these things I was going through at the time, things I felt were so important, some of these things I don’t even remember having happened and would never remember if I hadn’t written them down. But there were some real things I went through…that I had to go through…that in some cases I’m still going through…to help me grow into the person I am…a person I’m happy being. So if I could talk to my 18 year old self—the girl in jean short overalls in below the night before I left home to go away for college—what would I say?

There will many moments in life when you doubt yourself. You’ll spend a lot of time wondering whether you’re smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough, or capable enough. You’ll wonder if you did the right the thing, if you should let go, if you made the right choice, if you pursued the right opportunities, if you took the right job, if you could do more for others, if you loved someone for the right reasons. There are so many questions that you’ll ask yourself and things you’ll feel insecure about. Even as you get older, the questioning will never cease. But you will learn to trust yourself more. You’ll worry less about what other people think and worry more about your own opinion of yourself. Don’t stop questioning yourself because it’s how you grow. Just trust that you always know the right answer even when you think you don’t.

How you define “love” will change. You will not marry your “first love” and drive off into the sunset in his white mustang convertible and live happily ever after. It lasted 3 years, but your high school relationship wasn’t love. It was a crush…puppy love…raging teenage hormone love. You started freshman year with a broken heart and it took you the better part of that year to get over him and to get to know yourself as you and not his girlfriend. Now you view each other as brother and sister. You’ve grown to be such completely different people and the idea of being together is comical. You’ve changed so much. What makes you happy changed and how you define love has changed. You moved on, had fun, met new people, kissed a lot of boys and senior year you met him-the ONE truly deserving of the label “first love.” The one who for the first time in your life would make you feel  everything you never knew you could feel all at once, the one who would make you both love and hate yourself, the one who you’d spend thousands of hours thinking about and talking to, the one who you couldn’t imagine living your life without loving each other, the one who despite the extreme ups and downs of your relationship would force you to grow as a person b/c of the things you would go through both together and apart, the one who scared you but in the most joyful, incredible way, the one who every time he kissed you felt like it was your first kiss, the one you laughed with and cried with, and the one who would break your heart in so many pieces you’d never be the same. This “first love” will make you redefine love over and over. He’ll make you look for hard answers you need to find, like What makes a relationship work? What should you settle for in a relationship? What happens when you can’t fully trust someone with your heart? What is it about him that makes you feel the way you do? What makes you happy? Can you ever really, truly forgive? Do you only ever feel madly, deeply, passionately in love with your “first love”? So many questions. You won’t marry your “first love” but he’ll always be a part of you. You may never fully get over him, but you’ll learn to move past him and try to stay friends with him. And in the process you’ll learn a lot about love and yourself.  You won’t give up on men and run away to a convent like you contemplated. You’ll go on to date other guys and marry a wonderful, genuine, kind, loving man who will be your best friend and your “last love.” One who doesn’t make you ask so many questions and with whom your definition of love never changes.

Home really is where the heart is. The first year of college was rough. You were far from home, missed your family, missed your friends, missed your ex-boyfriend, missed the comfort of everything you knew. But leaving home was a great adventure and one that you’re still embarking on 15 years later. In West Virginia, Pittsburgh, and DC your friends turned into family. You’ll easily adapt to new environments and new people. “Home” will be less of where you grew up and more of where you are happy living your life.

Some things aren’t worth fighting for. Freshman year is when your parents separated. You were sad b/c you didn’t want to come from a “broken home” but at the same time you could never really remember a time when your parents seemed happy or in love. The separation turned into divorce and for a long time you struggled with anger, especially towards your dad b/c you blamed him for a lot. But over time you come to realize your parents are human. They got married young and just b/c you’re in love when you’re young and first married, it doesn’t mean you’ll grow old together, happily. Marriage can be hard and sometimes people just grow apart and grow into two totally different people who are just not compatible. They can try to make it work, but sometimes fighting for each other doesn’t win over the fighting with each other and in those cases it is just better to let go.  Being alone for the right reasons is better than staying with someone for the wrong ones.

To have a friend, you need to be one. Old friends really do make the best friends. You’ll come to realize that you’ll meet many people in life, many you will be happy to call friends. Some will be temporary friends, like those you had class with or worked with. Others will be those people that you love unconditionally, who you confide in, who will be there for you to support you without judgment, yell at you when you need it, and with who you can just laugh your ass off with. Friendships, like all relationships, need to be maintained. It’s easy to get busy and let days, even weeks go by without talking. Always be a listening ear. Always remember birthdays. Let your friends know you appreciate them and love them. Always be open to new people. You’ll come to realize that some of the most beautiful friendships you have are with those who are very different from you.

It’s so important to feel comfortable in your own skin. You’ll always be trying to strike a balance between who you are and who you think you should be. You’ll always be self-conscious about your weight, your appearance, your brains, about whether or not you’re doing enough to contribute to society or helping others. You’ll come to realize that everyone around you is the same way. We’re all comparing looks, lives, loves, but we shouldn’t compare. No one is perfect.  No life is perfect. Try to embrace your imperfections because they are what make you, you. And they are what keep you motivated to work harder every day to be a better person, to work even harder at your job, and just to appreciate all things you’ve been blessed with. Continue to count your blessings, not your blemishes.

Dear 18 year old me: Even though it’s been almost 15 years, be proud because you’ve come a long way, baby! You still have a ways to go, but remember to take every life lesson with you and build on them. Just keep striving to be happy and to bring happiness to others. Appreciate the small stuff, even the hard stuff, because they’re all adding up to one big life.  

What advice would you give yourself now?

Would you go back to being 18 again?

What do you think is the best part about getting older?

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• Tagged: Dear 18 Year Old Me, First love, friends, growing as a person, Lessons in life